Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ya'll Get to See the Real Me



Hello, Peeps. This morning I thought, "It's time to let the world in on my life, if only briefly. I keep putting it off because it's been so long that I get all tied up in knots wondering what to post. Fear of blogging- Blogophobia? I dunno. Ok, this is my "Personal Thots" paragraph...

Why am I so hesitant to be me right now? Here I've been counting the days until we get to go HOME to NM, yet I feel like I can't be me because I don't want to offend anyone, or I fear peoples' reactions or thoughts...I really battle with fear of man. Sometimes, I honestly think, " I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about me!"sorry, family if my choice of words causes you to gasp. Sometimes there ARE no other words. Yet, other times I think, "What do they think of me? Am I a failure? I wonder who's reading this and rolling their eyes (only payback for the thousands of "eye rolls" I gave my parents) thinking, "She sure has made a mess of her life. When is she gonna decide what she wants and settle down?"
Well, I'll tell you...NEVER. Why? Because God didn't make me that way. I am realizing that I was created with an "adventure mode". Some peeps are created with a "nesting mode", and I am completely jealous of that at times. To be in one place, one job, one church, one group of peeps that you've known for a lifetime...that sometimes sounds so inviting. But God didn't make us all the same (duh).
Another secret of mine: I've purposely not blogged or posted pics of where we've been living for the past year because I've been embarrassed and ashamed of where God has allowed us to be-an old, two bedroom mobile home that doesn't look very pretty on the outside. Isn't that horrible? There. I said it. When I take a step back and look at His hand in our lives since last summer my heart is so full of thankfulness, but I've not wanted to share it because of pride (even now there is a lump in my throat). Dang, this is freeing!!! (But I still won't post any pics).
Last night Jarrod and I were looking through a blog of someone we know here in town. I finally told him, "Ok, I need to stop looking at all this because I am feeling so jealous of it all." Beautiful home, beautiful fabrics, beautiful EVERYTHING!!! And here I sat, longing to be able to release all of that creativity that I have, but not knowing if/when it will ever happen again.
All of that to say...

We are getting to move back HOME to New Mexico in June!! When we made the decision to move here to Kansas, it was in a terrible time of crisis, financially, with the economy, etc. I don't know; maybe it was a mistake, maybe not. Either way, we moved here, hoping/dreaming that God would allow us to "prosper" in a quieter community, simpler lifestyle, all the things you think of when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But ya know what? It isn't HOME. For any of us. We've been here 1 1/2 yrs. and honestly had some good times..and crappy times, too. That's just all part of living in this world. Yes, we have dear, dear friends that we wish could go with us and keep getting together every weekend. Our kiddos have good friends that I know they don't want to leave. However, it's time. It's time to be where we love to be; to be with family as our kids grow up; time to invest in their lives as much as we can before this ol' world is over. I don't know how many years we have left here; when Jesus is coming back. It sure seems like it can't be that long now. But however long or short it is, I want to live it out to the FULLEST! BTW, this is still a major dream of ours...
Wow. I just realized that this "paragraph" is now a full-blown article. Well, you don't have to read it if you don't want to...too late, huh? We have about 3 wks. left here in Newton. I want to live those 3 wks. to the fullest. I honestly don't always know how to do that. I think it really involves God, though. In fact, I'm SURE it does!

5 comments:

beKah said...

appreciate your honesty. we should all try to be more like that ;)
love you guys! hope I can come visit NM sometime and hang out with you!

Beth@playinwiththepaulsens! said...

love this post and love your adventurous heart! AND TOTAL honesty! refreshing! I am a total nester wishing I were more of an adventurer! go figure! *smile*
go for it, girl! just go!

LeAnne said...

Don't you sometimes wish you knew what others were thinking or how they act or talk when they are at home with no one watching? Some seem so perfect, so together, so right!Yeah, not me. Whether it is me battling depression, living in our mess because I am too busy helping other people to take care of my people, having a great day a bad day-we all put forward what we want others to perceive. I love that you let that all go in this post. I pray that your move goes smooth, that you have many real and happy moments together in your days to come!

Melissa Flaming said...

Thanks, ya'll. You encourage me to just be who GOD created me to be: Melissa Jean Brown Flaming
*peaceful sigh*

Becky said...

Hi, I must have missed this post when you posted it! I just now read it, June 8! Wow! What a post! I appreciate your honesty and candor. I can't believe you swore! LOL! Just kidding! Way to be you! You know, we all love you for who you are! Alway have, always will! I pray safety for your trip and the courage to continue on pursuing your dreams which the Lord has given you! He didn't make you like you are for no reason, you know. I wish we could come visit you guys out there in NM, too! Oooh, wouldn't it be cool if all of us SS buddies got together?! Hmmmm. Good thought! Love you!